If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
