I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
