Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
