I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
