I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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