People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
