i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
