he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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