I just saw a hot homeless man
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
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