this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
