I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
ok first of all what the fuck
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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