Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
