I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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