i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
