nut hugger
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
