You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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