just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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