How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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