you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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