Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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