The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
