Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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