My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
