i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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