i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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