I hate all girls vehemently.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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