I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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