his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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