I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
