I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
