i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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