Four minutes until I can fart!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize