i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
