Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
