My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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