he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
