would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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