You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
