Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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