Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
