he wants to bone in the snuggie
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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