Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
