If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
