Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Randomize
