after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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