I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
