i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
