There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My feet surprised me
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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