You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
