u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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