at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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