I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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