Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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