Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I did not marry a roomba.
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