he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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