When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
