I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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