Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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