I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
FUCK WHALES
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize